Stages of Strife

Okay, here the story goes . . I am trying hard to keep my balance in a vehicle that happens to be driven for one of the final times by an organism that knows nothing but cribbing over all that he owns and also what he does not. Categorically speaking, it’s a li’l hard to articulate with such individuals who are least bothered about looking at the beauty and simplicity of what I call a boon. And, at the end of the day . . “Move on!!!” :D

It’s indeed ‘fun’ to be a part of a world where I can simply focus my energy in a sphere where I see myself a part of it, in the long run though. Photography, music, reading, writing and science comprise the love I share for carrying out a smile not just on my face, but also extending it onto whosoever is interested in giving a worthy dimension to the happiness life longs for.

I guess, beyond all the crap my anatomy professors and godforsaken tutors haunt me with, there’s a world which sees nothing but being all on your own. It was this fact that I had encountered some time ago just as some wobbly turns made it a li’l difficult for me to clear the Pre Medical Tests. Tentatively I paid heed to all that projected out of that genre in my tread. Hence, I am here. Sometimes, I do find myself ‘stuck up’ pursuing medicine in a place which I had begun to hate simply ‘coz of some corrugated undulations that my company provided me. On a wider perspective, at least I don’t regret being able to study what I always longed for. Alright, this involves a lot of unwanted slogging coupled with the taunts and faded expressions of teachers who have studied too much to hold any amount of common sense further. I am glad to notice the mishaps of this adaptation it in them first, for I would have landed in dumps had I developed the same attribute in search of knowledge . . ;)

Each morning when I get the chance to go ahead and pursue the reason for my presence at a Medical College, its never the sordid expressions of who I despise that impedes my way, instead it gives me hope and want to establish myself for what I am, not for what I am molded into. This happily keeps me away from the torture over spoon feeding of a ‘plan’ as well. I am glad my screech is saved for further usage, probably when I have to be breaking my head over a subject for the test, the very next day that is out of my knowledge. If not medicine, I am sure this is one façade of ecstasy where I really don’t need a word of guidance, especially from a hoard of senseless individuals, repeating the same junk each day of their existence. I respect myself, for who I am and for what I want to be. I think this remarkable difference makes embrace betterment and satiation as opposed to my counterparts who look to seize it elsewhere.

A Fresher's Diary

"Can I please have some silence?", was my reaction to the booing my seniors greeted me with, just before a humongous crowd as I took my stand to deliver the welcome speech at the Fresher's Day Function. This impulse haunted me as grave probabilities flooded my contemplation thereafter. My share of surprises were the overtures I got from them, over the photography I love, especially at college. Steadfastness and vigilance brought in a hesitation to take another step, for I expected 'lows', yet again. It took time to discover beyond the stereotype I was aware of, and there it was 'Too good to be true'. Acquaintance has shaped into friendship and respect, over the 'reciprocation' I got to embrace from my seniors, in response to the chance I gave Life, to love and be loved in return.

Shades of some advancing tides

“Phew, phew, phew”, said the relieved me who finally got to witness the same person as in the photographs exchanged previously. “Okay, slow and steady”, I gasped inching closer between the two stalls where you stood. “Hehe :D”,the minimal degree of blushes flashing on my countenance got to just bliss, as a fraction of the distance between longed for warmth, and there I had it, in one of the best flashes of time.

Time simply rushes ahead, and so did my caliber in the next 2.30hrs of a self depreciating weekly test at an apparently ingenious but timelessly degrading institute that I had to chosen to join, happened to me, before any body else was done in breaking their heads over the best guesses possible for an odd number of abominable questions. Speed clinched my mettle and it was off to a land where you got me amazed at the rush within. I chanced an influx of all the goodness while you wrapped me in all the security.

‘Limitations’ can sometimes be enlightening, and that just took a bigger dimension when the night before I hugged you again, seemed to bring with it, what commitment can do to geographical barriers. It was simply impeccable. Each reflection of having you around brought with it something that’s not dependent on physical proximity. To me this ‘limitation’ seemed ecstatic; for once I was healed of all the soreness accumulated so far. This magic was when I saw hope and beauty each time your eyes twinkled at me.

There’s a certain rhythm that dictates the course of events in what we call ‘life’. In my language, it was ‘us’ and nothing in between. Just the comfort and it happens, at once. To u, it was a little extended, considering how well we had to fit into each others edges. Perhaps, that’s what a perfect merger of people who always want to ensure happiness persists, whenever they leave their trail. Your stay, the closest, was just to assure ‘miracles do exist’. The real quest in not in finding one, but to make one happen, and let it rejuvenate in every moment of togetherness.

Am I Lost?

It’s not a rarity which encounters me time and again when I lose faith, when I find a phase of my life wasted yet again, when I come face to face with a guilt from deep within stating that I am unworthy of all the incessant concern from my creators. The night descends and brings with it something very much in contrast to what one would long for in his/her sleep : peace. This turmoil invades the deepest of all corners in my mettle. I wonder at shades of variety in comrades who have chosen a path very much different from what I aspire to accomplish some day! I came across a stroke of unfailing satisfaction right there. Am I ‘Lost’? Is this decision the right thing I have taken? I aspire to be a good human being before being anyone else to the world at a large. However, the first step that I happened to take after high school seemed very exuberant until laze and lure for all the unwanted things came to the forefront and I can’t assess if I am in a position better than what I was in at the same juncture, last year.

Be it dissatisfaction or failure in conquering a mock test to the battle ahead, it all takes the shape of what I had never witnessed as a young teenager. I dunno how it has all capsized into a pot hole today! All I am desperate to do is get outta it and face sunshine which is afar now!!! I have betrayed the humongous trust my parents had in me, or more so in seeing me happy amidst the hope that I’ll be able to make that consistent. It hurts each time I find them giving me all the liberty to do anything as per my accord, visibly keeping their expectations far off. That hurts when I cannot grant them warmth and reciprocation. It’s the worst that can hit a kid, the most unexpected to happen to a medical aspirant and the very dis-respectful event for a parent. When I see expectations soaring high, equivalent to the confidence they have in store for me, brings me at par with what I am today and what I want to be tomorrow. The conclusion is simple, I am not delivering my best. Each time I make an effort something comes my way to disrupt its fluidity!!! It’s a part of the battle I suppose. And that’s why I decided to put an end to all of it, I cut it off my line of sight!! If its isolation that’s erosive to many, a trinket of difference in it can be constructive and I am glad I made the necessary choice.

If there’s one more thing I could stop, it’d be the way I have given in to friendship, forgetting that a line is as much necessary to be drawn as much as the requirement to stay connected for the best synchronization ahead. And this time, its just going to bring up a façade which has not been able to come to the forefront for long to provide a false impression of my subsistence. It’s not to teach someone a lesson, it’s to help myself learn from my best teacher, Life.

I seek madness, to ensure I can muster all the world’s bliss for the ones who are truly responsible for my well being today, tomorrow and beyond. And, that’s exactly in what I aspire to get lost…

I Aspire!

What makes you stand out of the crowd? What helps you gather and identity which belongs to none but to you? How is it that one understands the best direction to focus all the energy?

At one stage my mettle came up with perseverance, patience, determination and austerity. Nevertheless, life sailed me along to a juncture where I discovered that all of what I sought was a cover to a few silent facades of my existence. It’s until I understood that its what you are composed of which brings the concrete base to an exploration ahead. I had my bit of rapture in what I became, co-existing with a harmony that I originated from and more so what I happened to get mold into in their aura. It’s so strange that we forget how life could have gone out of our favor had we not been granted to explore what unconditional is, if their security and warmth failed at any stage.

The building blocks of our temperament lie in those who helped us muster it, step-wise and breathed endurance and patience as we learnt to do it all by ourselves. Those eyes which embrace as our first few steps toddle into arms, wrapping instantly, never letting go for they fall in love with innocence so purge that a fear of losing it comes to the forefront involuntarily.

An incessant desire to bring up a replica of what originality encompasses so strong that no stumbling block can ever distort the vision, is exactly what I find in my parents. I wish I could do enough to strike a balance. However, I guess, some proportions are best left unmeasured only ‘coz its an insult to the unconditional love in store, still ahead! It’d certainly be no less than a smile across their countenance, all the time.

Teenage took away a lot of the perfect polish that had developed over childhood. The one thing that can not let the picture distort anymore lies in my adulthood for now. And, I’d make sure they enjoy the gift that the present offers, more than any other shred of disappointment left behind amidst the ashes of a phase, silently regretted in the gloomy corners of solitude.

Mummy and Daddy, I love you!

Je t'aime

There have been instances when life has shown me varied facades of my existence. One, relating to the side that I came across, felt ecstatic and, the other which gave it a balanced shape. This makes me react to situations in a pretty unmindful way if you ask me . . . ‘coz I dunno whether to laugh or to cry . . . just that I don’t wish to let go of any fragments in there. Its indeed a jinx which has progressed over the last few years of high school and no matter how well I try to reason out a way, different shades of reality take their advantage from the present I have been gifted.

It is needless to say that I have had a gem of a partner over the initial stages of a competitive life after the class X Boards. But, somehow its roots stumbled over the pivot. A little push from the deepest reigns of inexpressible mood swings wavered it with the gush of winds and there it was, unidentified.

I wondered if it could rise from its ashes, if it could answer the situation to which it has already fallen a prey and it did manage to justify the reason of its existence. Love, said it all, until something louder happened to shadow it, and followed suit.

Here, I see what I didn’t let that phase come back with a bang . . . It’s the way life’s breathed into ones existence. All of it revolves around comfort which can have the maximum role to play even if it comprises a shred. Just that no element of soreness or doubt should ever pervade it. Well, I am glad it is well available, to ensure not a moment passes by without its presence being felt. Its just so purge that even transparency is outperformed before it. I and indeed overwhelmed that its not what I have. It’s what I need to build, over time . . for now I am satiated watching it form afar and letting its warmth embrace my subsistence. I wish I could have incorporated it beforehand, the only regret is not having observed its absence in a long time.

Treading along, I find all the worlds pleasures encompassed in the hands that holds me. This co-existence matters more than anything to me . . just that I wish I could have her interlocking her fingers in the spaces between those of mine, as well. The fact that my present offers me all the optimism to build up life out of nothing stayed behind at all, ensures I polish today the best, something which I missed the last time I began the same voyage.