Am I Lost?

It’s not a rarity which encounters me time and again when I lose faith, when I find a phase of my life wasted yet again, when I come face to face with a guilt from deep within stating that I am unworthy of all the incessant concern from my creators. The night descends and brings with it something very much in contrast to what one would long for in his/her sleep : peace. This turmoil invades the deepest of all corners in my mettle. I wonder at shades of variety in comrades who have chosen a path very much different from what I aspire to accomplish some day! I came across a stroke of unfailing satisfaction right there. Am I ‘Lost’? Is this decision the right thing I have taken? I aspire to be a good human being before being anyone else to the world at a large. However, the first step that I happened to take after high school seemed very exuberant until laze and lure for all the unwanted things came to the forefront and I can’t assess if I am in a position better than what I was in at the same juncture, last year.

Be it dissatisfaction or failure in conquering a mock test to the battle ahead, it all takes the shape of what I had never witnessed as a young teenager. I dunno how it has all capsized into a pot hole today! All I am desperate to do is get outta it and face sunshine which is afar now!!! I have betrayed the humongous trust my parents had in me, or more so in seeing me happy amidst the hope that I’ll be able to make that consistent. It hurts each time I find them giving me all the liberty to do anything as per my accord, visibly keeping their expectations far off. That hurts when I cannot grant them warmth and reciprocation. It’s the worst that can hit a kid, the most unexpected to happen to a medical aspirant and the very dis-respectful event for a parent. When I see expectations soaring high, equivalent to the confidence they have in store for me, brings me at par with what I am today and what I want to be tomorrow. The conclusion is simple, I am not delivering my best. Each time I make an effort something comes my way to disrupt its fluidity!!! It’s a part of the battle I suppose. And that’s why I decided to put an end to all of it, I cut it off my line of sight!! If its isolation that’s erosive to many, a trinket of difference in it can be constructive and I am glad I made the necessary choice.

If there’s one more thing I could stop, it’d be the way I have given in to friendship, forgetting that a line is as much necessary to be drawn as much as the requirement to stay connected for the best synchronization ahead. And this time, its just going to bring up a façade which has not been able to come to the forefront for long to provide a false impression of my subsistence. It’s not to teach someone a lesson, it’s to help myself learn from my best teacher, Life.

I seek madness, to ensure I can muster all the world’s bliss for the ones who are truly responsible for my well being today, tomorrow and beyond. And, that’s exactly in what I aspire to get lost…

I Aspire!

What makes you stand out of the crowd? What helps you gather and identity which belongs to none but to you? How is it that one understands the best direction to focus all the energy?

At one stage my mettle came up with perseverance, patience, determination and austerity. Nevertheless, life sailed me along to a juncture where I discovered that all of what I sought was a cover to a few silent facades of my existence. It’s until I understood that its what you are composed of which brings the concrete base to an exploration ahead. I had my bit of rapture in what I became, co-existing with a harmony that I originated from and more so what I happened to get mold into in their aura. It’s so strange that we forget how life could have gone out of our favor had we not been granted to explore what unconditional is, if their security and warmth failed at any stage.

The building blocks of our temperament lie in those who helped us muster it, step-wise and breathed endurance and patience as we learnt to do it all by ourselves. Those eyes which embrace as our first few steps toddle into arms, wrapping instantly, never letting go for they fall in love with innocence so purge that a fear of losing it comes to the forefront involuntarily.

An incessant desire to bring up a replica of what originality encompasses so strong that no stumbling block can ever distort the vision, is exactly what I find in my parents. I wish I could do enough to strike a balance. However, I guess, some proportions are best left unmeasured only ‘coz its an insult to the unconditional love in store, still ahead! It’d certainly be no less than a smile across their countenance, all the time.

Teenage took away a lot of the perfect polish that had developed over childhood. The one thing that can not let the picture distort anymore lies in my adulthood for now. And, I’d make sure they enjoy the gift that the present offers, more than any other shred of disappointment left behind amidst the ashes of a phase, silently regretted in the gloomy corners of solitude.

Mummy and Daddy, I love you!