Stages of Strife

Okay, here the story goes . . I am trying hard to keep my balance in a vehicle that happens to be driven for one of the final times by an organism that knows nothing but cribbing over all that he owns and also what he does not. Categorically speaking, it’s a li’l hard to articulate with such individuals who are least bothered about looking at the beauty and simplicity of what I call a boon. And, at the end of the day . . “Move on!!!” :D

It’s indeed ‘fun’ to be a part of a world where I can simply focus my energy in a sphere where I see myself a part of it, in the long run though. Photography, music, reading, writing and science comprise the love I share for carrying out a smile not just on my face, but also extending it onto whosoever is interested in giving a worthy dimension to the happiness life longs for.

I guess, beyond all the crap my anatomy professors and godforsaken tutors haunt me with, there’s a world which sees nothing but being all on your own. It was this fact that I had encountered some time ago just as some wobbly turns made it a li’l difficult for me to clear the Pre Medical Tests. Tentatively I paid heed to all that projected out of that genre in my tread. Hence, I am here. Sometimes, I do find myself ‘stuck up’ pursuing medicine in a place which I had begun to hate simply ‘coz of some corrugated undulations that my company provided me. On a wider perspective, at least I don’t regret being able to study what I always longed for. Alright, this involves a lot of unwanted slogging coupled with the taunts and faded expressions of teachers who have studied too much to hold any amount of common sense further. I am glad to notice the mishaps of this adaptation it in them first, for I would have landed in dumps had I developed the same attribute in search of knowledge . . ;)

Each morning when I get the chance to go ahead and pursue the reason for my presence at a Medical College, its never the sordid expressions of who I despise that impedes my way, instead it gives me hope and want to establish myself for what I am, not for what I am molded into. This happily keeps me away from the torture over spoon feeding of a ‘plan’ as well. I am glad my screech is saved for further usage, probably when I have to be breaking my head over a subject for the test, the very next day that is out of my knowledge. If not medicine, I am sure this is one façade of ecstasy where I really don’t need a word of guidance, especially from a hoard of senseless individuals, repeating the same junk each day of their existence. I respect myself, for who I am and for what I want to be. I think this remarkable difference makes embrace betterment and satiation as opposed to my counterparts who look to seize it elsewhere.

A Fresher's Diary

"Can I please have some silence?", was my reaction to the booing my seniors greeted me with, just before a humongous crowd as I took my stand to deliver the welcome speech at the Fresher's Day Function. This impulse haunted me as grave probabilities flooded my contemplation thereafter. My share of surprises were the overtures I got from them, over the photography I love, especially at college. Steadfastness and vigilance brought in a hesitation to take another step, for I expected 'lows', yet again. It took time to discover beyond the stereotype I was aware of, and there it was 'Too good to be true'. Acquaintance has shaped into friendship and respect, over the 'reciprocation' I got to embrace from my seniors, in response to the chance I gave Life, to love and be loved in return.

Shades of some advancing tides

“Phew, phew, phew”, said the relieved me who finally got to witness the same person as in the photographs exchanged previously. “Okay, slow and steady”, I gasped inching closer between the two stalls where you stood. “Hehe :D”,the minimal degree of blushes flashing on my countenance got to just bliss, as a fraction of the distance between longed for warmth, and there I had it, in one of the best flashes of time.

Time simply rushes ahead, and so did my caliber in the next 2.30hrs of a self depreciating weekly test at an apparently ingenious but timelessly degrading institute that I had to chosen to join, happened to me, before any body else was done in breaking their heads over the best guesses possible for an odd number of abominable questions. Speed clinched my mettle and it was off to a land where you got me amazed at the rush within. I chanced an influx of all the goodness while you wrapped me in all the security.

‘Limitations’ can sometimes be enlightening, and that just took a bigger dimension when the night before I hugged you again, seemed to bring with it, what commitment can do to geographical barriers. It was simply impeccable. Each reflection of having you around brought with it something that’s not dependent on physical proximity. To me this ‘limitation’ seemed ecstatic; for once I was healed of all the soreness accumulated so far. This magic was when I saw hope and beauty each time your eyes twinkled at me.

There’s a certain rhythm that dictates the course of events in what we call ‘life’. In my language, it was ‘us’ and nothing in between. Just the comfort and it happens, at once. To u, it was a little extended, considering how well we had to fit into each others edges. Perhaps, that’s what a perfect merger of people who always want to ensure happiness persists, whenever they leave their trail. Your stay, the closest, was just to assure ‘miracles do exist’. The real quest in not in finding one, but to make one happen, and let it rejuvenate in every moment of togetherness.

Am I Lost?

It’s not a rarity which encounters me time and again when I lose faith, when I find a phase of my life wasted yet again, when I come face to face with a guilt from deep within stating that I am unworthy of all the incessant concern from my creators. The night descends and brings with it something very much in contrast to what one would long for in his/her sleep : peace. This turmoil invades the deepest of all corners in my mettle. I wonder at shades of variety in comrades who have chosen a path very much different from what I aspire to accomplish some day! I came across a stroke of unfailing satisfaction right there. Am I ‘Lost’? Is this decision the right thing I have taken? I aspire to be a good human being before being anyone else to the world at a large. However, the first step that I happened to take after high school seemed very exuberant until laze and lure for all the unwanted things came to the forefront and I can’t assess if I am in a position better than what I was in at the same juncture, last year.

Be it dissatisfaction or failure in conquering a mock test to the battle ahead, it all takes the shape of what I had never witnessed as a young teenager. I dunno how it has all capsized into a pot hole today! All I am desperate to do is get outta it and face sunshine which is afar now!!! I have betrayed the humongous trust my parents had in me, or more so in seeing me happy amidst the hope that I’ll be able to make that consistent. It hurts each time I find them giving me all the liberty to do anything as per my accord, visibly keeping their expectations far off. That hurts when I cannot grant them warmth and reciprocation. It’s the worst that can hit a kid, the most unexpected to happen to a medical aspirant and the very dis-respectful event for a parent. When I see expectations soaring high, equivalent to the confidence they have in store for me, brings me at par with what I am today and what I want to be tomorrow. The conclusion is simple, I am not delivering my best. Each time I make an effort something comes my way to disrupt its fluidity!!! It’s a part of the battle I suppose. And that’s why I decided to put an end to all of it, I cut it off my line of sight!! If its isolation that’s erosive to many, a trinket of difference in it can be constructive and I am glad I made the necessary choice.

If there’s one more thing I could stop, it’d be the way I have given in to friendship, forgetting that a line is as much necessary to be drawn as much as the requirement to stay connected for the best synchronization ahead. And this time, its just going to bring up a façade which has not been able to come to the forefront for long to provide a false impression of my subsistence. It’s not to teach someone a lesson, it’s to help myself learn from my best teacher, Life.

I seek madness, to ensure I can muster all the world’s bliss for the ones who are truly responsible for my well being today, tomorrow and beyond. And, that’s exactly in what I aspire to get lost…

I Aspire!

What makes you stand out of the crowd? What helps you gather and identity which belongs to none but to you? How is it that one understands the best direction to focus all the energy?

At one stage my mettle came up with perseverance, patience, determination and austerity. Nevertheless, life sailed me along to a juncture where I discovered that all of what I sought was a cover to a few silent facades of my existence. It’s until I understood that its what you are composed of which brings the concrete base to an exploration ahead. I had my bit of rapture in what I became, co-existing with a harmony that I originated from and more so what I happened to get mold into in their aura. It’s so strange that we forget how life could have gone out of our favor had we not been granted to explore what unconditional is, if their security and warmth failed at any stage.

The building blocks of our temperament lie in those who helped us muster it, step-wise and breathed endurance and patience as we learnt to do it all by ourselves. Those eyes which embrace as our first few steps toddle into arms, wrapping instantly, never letting go for they fall in love with innocence so purge that a fear of losing it comes to the forefront involuntarily.

An incessant desire to bring up a replica of what originality encompasses so strong that no stumbling block can ever distort the vision, is exactly what I find in my parents. I wish I could do enough to strike a balance. However, I guess, some proportions are best left unmeasured only ‘coz its an insult to the unconditional love in store, still ahead! It’d certainly be no less than a smile across their countenance, all the time.

Teenage took away a lot of the perfect polish that had developed over childhood. The one thing that can not let the picture distort anymore lies in my adulthood for now. And, I’d make sure they enjoy the gift that the present offers, more than any other shred of disappointment left behind amidst the ashes of a phase, silently regretted in the gloomy corners of solitude.

Mummy and Daddy, I love you!

Je t'aime

There have been instances when life has shown me varied facades of my existence. One, relating to the side that I came across, felt ecstatic and, the other which gave it a balanced shape. This makes me react to situations in a pretty unmindful way if you ask me . . . ‘coz I dunno whether to laugh or to cry . . . just that I don’t wish to let go of any fragments in there. Its indeed a jinx which has progressed over the last few years of high school and no matter how well I try to reason out a way, different shades of reality take their advantage from the present I have been gifted.

It is needless to say that I have had a gem of a partner over the initial stages of a competitive life after the class X Boards. But, somehow its roots stumbled over the pivot. A little push from the deepest reigns of inexpressible mood swings wavered it with the gush of winds and there it was, unidentified.

I wondered if it could rise from its ashes, if it could answer the situation to which it has already fallen a prey and it did manage to justify the reason of its existence. Love, said it all, until something louder happened to shadow it, and followed suit.

Here, I see what I didn’t let that phase come back with a bang . . . It’s the way life’s breathed into ones existence. All of it revolves around comfort which can have the maximum role to play even if it comprises a shred. Just that no element of soreness or doubt should ever pervade it. Well, I am glad it is well available, to ensure not a moment passes by without its presence being felt. Its just so purge that even transparency is outperformed before it. I and indeed overwhelmed that its not what I have. It’s what I need to build, over time . . for now I am satiated watching it form afar and letting its warmth embrace my subsistence. I wish I could have incorporated it beforehand, the only regret is not having observed its absence in a long time.

Treading along, I find all the worlds pleasures encompassed in the hands that holds me. This co-existence matters more than anything to me . . just that I wish I could have her interlocking her fingers in the spaces between those of mine, as well. The fact that my present offers me all the optimism to build up life out of nothing stayed behind at all, ensures I polish today the best, something which I missed the last time I began the same voyage.

The Resurrection Begins

Two years is what saw me living a dream. Perhaps, I just let it magnify each moment that inched towards this junction. I stand where I now happen to understand the crux of all this slogging that came to my displeasure so far, not because there was a fallacy in my response, but because I wasn’t happy to reciprocate. It simply occurred for I believed too much in a route, as the affinity to a myriad of sheep which chose to tread along it carried, drawing me away as well…Ignorance and haste did all of it, and that was ‘my’ mistake; today, the sun shines as brightly as it did then, but the message its glair brings about is what I’ve finally learnt to gauge. Classes XI and XII ripped me off my passion considerably, but more so, did the relationships, which were supposedly epitomes of eternal love. Huh!!! The only reason why I continue to possess a smile on looking back is for the wisdom it helped me imbibe brought me my self-dependence, and an essence which shall certainly instill all the strength, as each shred of experience makes its indelible presence felt. Friendship and love are finally here, to embrace the fragments which have been eroded of its vigor, to allow bottomless and everlasting passion substitute it…

A despicable high school was indeed necessary, to make sure that I realize the worth of happiness, sustainability of bliss and recreating harmony, the way I want it. I will have to pay for it, by dropping a year, only to strengthen my mettle and keep surging for a tomorrow that spreads its delight, far and wide. And, its worth doing so, rather than regretting the rest of my life for having made my parents go broke at the cost of providing me the education, which I’ll never deserve if I don’t give in all that’s required to chase my dreams…The road is not going to be an easy one, unless I choose to make. It shall allow the soreness in, if I don’t decide to live my dreams with my eyes, wide open…

But, this time round, the story is going to be different for I shall certainly choose happiness, my joy before pacing along this corrugated road, once again. And as a matter of fact, this time when I’ll choose my destination, carving a way towards accomplishing that summit will certainly be on my mind, unlike the last time when I chose to sit and wait for it to arrive. Life’s the best teacher, and keeping away from the mistakes is one of the reasons as to why I am here, restarting my journey…

Presenting a child with a rotten apple may be as fine as long as you are making sure the toddler gets a glimpse of it. But what about the dissatisfaction that’s underway? It’s just the same. I want to achieve my goals with all the happiness in the world, something at which I can look back and re-live it every moment of my journey thereafter. Getting a good rank and just getting through are completely different things. And, are often mistaken for the oodles of contentment…but, a different version reveals the mindset, which is constrained to keep to itself, the urge of replacing the top ranker, with just another chance, so that he’s happy, for himself, not for others who’ve lived their expectations through the aspirant there, who have chosen to impose their joy over the kid’s undying passion. To be frank, I shall have to be self-seeking, for me, only to be high spirited and not oblivious after this moment passes me, stealing away this opportunity as well…

My Life...My Bhaiya...

My hand couldn’t reach the top of the fridge. I was forbidden to touch the pickle. The wooden stool squeaked as my toes wobbled under my weight. Silence prevailed all around and I seemed like a thief trying to steal on a summer’s day. My hands were long for a toddler but that didn’t suffice. After a number of unsuccessful attempts I wondered while descending “If only I could be lifted.”

The summer progressed calmly. There was no soul to play with me. As I sat isolated all day and night I was told to read. I read a story which taught me look beyond the limits of a blood to blood relation. Many fairy tales revealed the hidden facts of life. Legends carved out a way which led towards accomplishing ambitions. The details of more intellectual chronicles took away my childhood’s innocence. And I realized that life lacked what most of my other friends possessed…An elder ‘bro’…Life moved on and taught me to face challenges, handle responsibilities and transform good into better. The undulations in life expected someone to hold me before I would trip. My heart wanted to reveal its intricacies to that special person who sees to it that nothing harms you. It is that special person for a girl who revives her life with happiness when she is subjected to wounds that can never heal. The longing of an elder brother transformed into a page in my book of unfulfilled aspirations,

Today when things have changed for the good, when I have found someone who knows me in and out, who sings the most blissful song that life plays, I find myself in the lap of eternity. This is a result of the overwhelming love that I’ve received from a purged soul….my Bhaiya’s soul…

Friendship is the basis of every relation. I’ve lived it after having bonded with you. You know every aspect of my life. Your presence makes my world bloom with the diverse colours of happiness. You are my life and it’s a treat to have the pleasure of sharing my life with you. Bhaiya, thank you would be a very small world to express my gratitude after having been blessed by a ‘bro’ like you.

Bhaiya, I promise that I will be there, forever in life for you. Even when the world and you are at two extremes, you will find me there right next to you, holding your hand. If life betrays the trust that you hold for that special person, you can cry your heart out on my shoulders and find solace in my arms. You can rest in my lap, you will find all the love and strength that’s required to recede things onto the right track. If I’m not around just close your eyes for a while and the essence that we share will transfer a warm hug to you. When pain and sorrow confront you, do not be hesitant to speak, I’ll listen patiently and trust me you will feel better. I will be there bhaiya, always…

Bhaiya, you comprise he tune to which I dance. Life could have never found its way had you not been there so help me find the beacon of light amidst the darkness. I couldn’t have a brother better than you. You mean the world to me. I’ll be there in every walk of your life, but I need you to help me steal the pickle jar, deal?.......I love you Bhaiya…

Just for you bhaiya.....with lots of love.....Akansha.....

My Mentor

I ran into the jostling crowd that was heading towards the RCC Sports Ground. The Annual Sports Meet 1997 was about to kickoff in a while. I surged through humungous figures before I reached the main gate. My eyes scanned through the world around. My ears could hear nothing but for the honking of horns. I stood there like a statue bearing the weight of my four-foot tall body, searching for my Dad. In the next five minutes the watchman was taking me back as I tried my level best to escape from the clutches of his arms.

It was already 10:45 a.m. and I couldn’t find my Dad anywhere in the crowd. My heart sunk to realize that my Dad had not made it to the Annual Sports Meet. I stood on the field. The four competitors looked around and found their parents and siblings cheering. The placards were held up high, instilling the confidence and passion in them to win the race. A second before the race was to begin, silence made its way into the stadium. I listened to my heart and searched in the crowd, for one last time. I was convinced to lose.

In the speck of a second, I heard a known voice but the bullet had been fired by then and everyone ran in passion. I ran ahead. I had covered ten meters when I found Dad’s outline at the fence of the stadium, next to the points table. Smile, happiness and bliss filled my heart, all at once. My soul jumped high and my feet helped me move ahead, chasing my challengers. Dad was cheering all the way but at a certain stage I confronted a hurdle and my chin touched the solid earth. Dad’s voice seemed to soar above any other soul’s voice and it did help me rise. I stood up, and darted, this time with the passion to let my Dad raise his head high. In the following five seconds, my pace seemed to be slowing down as my confidence was subsiding. A quarter of the journey was yet to be covered. Amidst all the hopelessness I heard my Dad cry, “Go! You can do it!” it magnified the luminosity and passion of the fire, which had then begun to burn with all its vigor.

The final fifteen meters were the most difficult ones to cover. The windpipe had lost its moistness and everything seemed to take a backseat. “The final go, come on, you can do it!”, these words pushed me head to head with the Sapphire House racer. Destination was close. The last five meters…”Go! Go for it!”….these words accelerated my pace to double the initial speed and I heard a “Yeaaah” as the stiff ribbon touched my torso and fell down. I ran into my Dad’s arms, ten meters ahead and all he said was, “Sorry for being late.”

That was one of the most influential moments, which I live till date. I recall its spirit, even today, to face any race in life. The victory of 1997 was not more important than my Dad’s presence and motivation. It taught me a lesson to put in all the required effort, in any sphere of life where there arises a situation to prove yourself without fretting over victory: The products depend on the reactants used. Your actions have helped me witness and tackle the various facets of rugged undulations in life. The knowledge that I have lived through your life will certainly help me get people know you through my identity as well. I have had the privilege to learn Life’s intricacies from a soul as pure and tolerant as yours. Believe me Dad I will make sure it is inherited in the making of better souls. You mean the world to me. Having been blessed by a mentor in a friend’s disguise is an achievement in itself. Life without you would have just been a road to death.

Love you Daddy…..Akansha….

An Inextinguishable Hope…

Maa, you held me tight,
As I breathed.
The intense glair couldn't come near,
‘coz you stood in between.
Your touch took me to Paradise.
I returned in a bit, crawling.
Truth had revealed its stern face.

I didn’t find you around,
The search seemed to never end.
No one paid heed to my endless cry,
Eyes longed to witness your soul,
I wanted to sleep in your lap.
The rain seemed to have dissolved you.

I await your return,
The wound refuses to heal.
Tears roll down, hopelessly.
My mind seems to escape from time,
Which tries to examine my strength.
And the heart still hopes the dungeon to shine.

I prefer to reside in your heart,
To ascending the stairs of heaven.
I’ll await you, always,
As I walk along this unexplored road.
Maa, can you hear me?

. . Lots of Love . .

The Muisic Of My Existance

The birth of a soul signals the commencement of happiness which binds the atmosphere in a special tune. The flow of this emotion sets fluidity in the progression of events that overwhelm life. Time takes a while before it reveals the colours which are to be dealt with in this journey from birth to death. Successfully adding a variety of strokes to the palate of life’s path is the difference between a balanced and an imbalanced life.

Breathing the air coming from the sea’s surface was the first thing I did. Today, as I retrace my steps, I realize that I have embodied all the types of air in my lungs. It is strange to realize that this is not the source of my survival. As I sit down to search for the answer, I comprehend that the envelope of gases are a mere support to my existence. The fact which hid itself in the immature facet of my soul has finally come out of hiding. Apart from the scientific laws that govern man’s subsistence, it is also the mental stability and peace that are of key importance. Today, I have learnt that it is the happiness spread through ones actions are all that matter. As a matter of fact, a person is an alive corpse if this element is missing in his life. It is a sour truth and cannot be ignored by any means. The positive vibrations brought virtue steps into the picture constitute into the making of a blissful life. One may ward it off, but when we humans try to live life without this form of eternal happiness, life is not lived at that instance, time has to passed. As a result, the goal of life disappears and one does nothing but await death.

The movement of life when love, affection, concern and bliss are filled in, makes one dance to the music that time plays. Life seems to cross all barriers for the good of everyone and takes an individual to the most patiently awaited destination.

My life has witnessed many seasons. The autumn that came in after the shower of love, taught me a lesson which has got buried in my bones. However, the realization came in much later. Time preached me the song of friendship, which encircles the world. Every relation has its concrete base strengthened with friendship. It sings a unique song which carries life into an ocean to make itself heard in every corner and depth of the space around.

An oversight left me stranded on a deserted road in the past. However, the mistake, which distorted my world once upon a time, will never find its place in my present or future ‘coz friendship’s song will never allow my heart to recollect it ever again. The Music helped me find my way amidst the darkness. I walked into a magical world of happiness where spreading love was the only goal of the residents. This music shall never subside.It’ll continue to engross human life with the aspiration of composing a better song. Striving towards perfection is what human life is all about. To reach the tune of that perfect song in the depth of an eternal soul’s heart is the final destination of life.